Making Room for Baby

This weekend we finally got around to buying a crib and holy crap are those things gigantic or what?! A ten year old can fit in that freaking thing. It has completely and utterly taken over our bedroom. So now, we’re mourning the loss of our lusty love shack, our steamy sex cove, our…who am I kidding? That room has always been as unexciting as a monk’s library. But at least before it didn’t look like a daycare center! Nothing says romance like a heap of pink onesies piled onto a stroller, sitting in the middle of your bedroom. 

In any case, this got me thinking about all the other changes we’ll need to make in the apartment over the next few months: this place is a DEATH TRAP. Between the electric cables lining every wall, the tall unstable lamps, the razor sharp corners on our furniture and my husband’s 100 pound golf bag balanced precariously beside the bathroom door, I wonder if we might have to lock the baby in our bedroom for the first few years of her life.

AND THEN my wardrobe will also have to undergo a makeover since as a nursing mother I’ll be obligated to whip out a boob at any given moment to breastfeed. So, I’m on the hunt for suitable shirts because can you imagine the commotion that I would cause at Target if I had to strip off an entire sweater dress to gain access to a boob? No, thanks. I’m uncomfortable enough with the notion of breastfeeding in public without adding complete indecent exposure to the mix. In fact, I’ve become so obsessed with this issue that I recently bought this thing that’s supposed to cover your bosom while you breastfeed but do you know what the brand is called? UDDER COVERS. I mean, really? REALLY?  

What have I gotten myself into?

(Well, technically I didn’t get into this all by myself, I had some help. And when I say “some” it’s just as a manner of speaking, I don’t mean that the amount of help was negligible. Because it wasn’t negligible, it was significantly large. The amount of help, that is. You know what I mean. Crap. I’ll stop talking now.)

24 Comments on Making Room for Baby

  1. misswretched
    September 2, 2010 at 9:01 am (7 years ago)

    DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
    • thegreencalabash
      September 2, 2010 at 10:31 am (7 years ago)

      Mind you, I just spent the last 10 minutes explaining to dear husband what that last paragraph was about AND what Kenyans mean when they say “DEAD”. I should have just married you instead.

      Reply
      • Dark Angel
        February 4, 2011 at 8:28 pm (7 years ago)

        I am one of those stealth blog readers who rarely leaves comments. But I have been thinking about babies of late and the term Udder covers got me horrified, then in stitches. You should have had a disclaimer. Something in the line ‘ do not drink and read this post’. Now I have to clean up after myself and like you, i do not do that very well! you can see that here – http://agirlandherman.blogspot.com/2011/01/housekeeping-in-1st-world.html.

        You got laughing!

        Reply
  2. awura amma
    September 2, 2010 at 10:00 am (7 years ago)

    hahahaha Shiko u r too funny!!!! i can’t even imagine the stares you’d get if you had to take off a sweater dress. all the best with the rest of the preparations 🙂

    Reply
    • thegreencalabash
      September 2, 2010 at 11:25 am (7 years ago)

      I would definitely be banned from all Target locations indefinitely. Thanks!

      Reply
  3. Amanda
    September 2, 2010 at 10:41 am (7 years ago)

    i totally pictured that sweater/indecent exposure event and it was HILARIOUS! you would, too, wouldn’t you? haha!

    as for apartment = deathtrap …. thought about moving?

    and what DOES a kenyan mean when they say “death”?

    Reply
    • thegreencalabash
      September 2, 2010 at 11:28 am (7 years ago)

      DEAD = I’m dying of laughter/I died laughing. Wow, I just realized how morbid that sounds. We’re stuck in this apartment until our lease expires next year – you can blame lack of planning for our current predicament.

      Reply
  4. Amanda
    September 2, 2010 at 10:42 am (7 years ago)

    *dead, rather

    (haha! i tried to post this immediately after the previous post and go this message “error. you are posting things to quickly. slow down.”

    Reply
  5. Clare "AfricanQueen" K
    September 2, 2010 at 12:15 pm (7 years ago)

    Wow.. now that’s what I underwent when my niece was born. It’s not as bad the first few months because the baby can’t really move about. but the time comes when she’ll start crawling, then you have to child-proof everything. EVERYTHING! About Target…keep it undercover. Or should I be looking out for you in the news? 🙂

    Reply
  6. Mumbi
    September 2, 2010 at 1:22 pm (7 years ago)

    Shiko,

    You’re killing me. Si you would have asked and I would have sent you a kanga with holes for ventilation. Thats what an udder cover is, a Kanga with space for ventilation. I’m loving the blog 🙂

    Reply
    • thegreencalabash
      September 2, 2010 at 3:42 pm (7 years ago)

      Thanks Mumbi! I just pictured a kanga with holes for ventilation – LMAO!

      Reply
  7. Dutta
    September 3, 2010 at 7:39 am (7 years ago)

    Somehow I missed this…..its a GIRL……CONGRATULATIONS

    DEAD……..LOL……….You’ll def be Target Banned…..we’ve come from far……I rem when I was a little girl(u probably do too)…….seeing mama’s breastfeed in public with no concerns/ even thought into what other may think..for them the baby was hungry they just unleashed that boob and put it in the toi’s mouth chap chap……….

    Ur last paragraph……ehhhh explains all the kicking ur baby is doing to you……….REVENGE………………lol…..

    Reply
    • thegreencalabash
      September 8, 2010 at 12:14 pm (7 years ago)

      I know right, no shame at all! I wish I could be that brave…

      Reply
  8. IzJ
    September 7, 2010 at 7:58 am (7 years ago)

    LOLEST…dead! Didn’t know it was a Kenyan thing?

    Udder covers…bwahaha…surely even if they were being ‘creative’ with the name! Do they atleast do ‘the job’ though? u know…conceal indecent exposure etc…

    n I’m glad hubby was a big help…lol @ explanation…then again explain pls? hehe.

    loved this! keep em coming. xo

    Reply
    • thegreencalabash
      September 8, 2010 at 12:18 pm (7 years ago)

      Imagine! Udder covers! AS if we needed any more help feeling like cows!

      Reply
  9. Silvia Njeri
    September 7, 2010 at 5:29 pm (7 years ago)

    “Udder covers”?????? DEAD!!! Gosh, you learn something new everyday, e.g., a baby rabbit = kit, (and NOT bunny wabbit!) hahaha.

    Reply
    • thegreencalabash
      September 8, 2010 at 12:19 pm (7 years ago)

      LOLest @ bunny wabbit. These udder cover people should be shot at sunrise for picking that name.

      Reply
  10. Waboi
    September 7, 2010 at 6:22 pm (7 years ago)

    This post gave me a ‘crystal ball’ moment!!!! Thanks Shiko!

    Reply
    • thegreencalabash
      September 8, 2010 at 12:20 pm (7 years ago)

      I hope you’re enjoying your pregnancy Waboi…lots of exciting changes to look forward to!

      Reply
  11. GeorgieAllblacks
    September 20, 2010 at 3:03 pm (7 years ago)

    UDDER COVERS!!! Really Shiko?? I have laughed so much at work mbaka I had to step out. Keep the stories coming.

    Reply
    • thegreencalabash
      September 20, 2010 at 4:19 pm (7 years ago)

      IMAGINE! I wish I was making it up but I have proof right here in my closet!

      Reply
  12. Ken
    October 12, 2010 at 3:58 pm (7 years ago)

    LMAO @ UDDER COVERS, that is hilarious on sooo many levels. Great job with this blog, it’s success begs to question if you are actually jobless or just have a great gig you don’t know about and don’t get paid for.

    Reply
  13. EK13
    February 12, 2011 at 6:17 am (7 years ago)

    HAHAHAHAHA….this post is brilliant.

    You already knew what you were having at this point?

    As for home being a death trap….tell me about it. You can only do so much baby proofing when the time comes.

    Reply

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