Kiss It Better

As I said before, sex is LIT when you’re in your thirties. It’s like your mind and body just…open up (HA). Now just imagine being 30+ and having a pregnancy-induced increase in blood flow to your vagina and labia, resulting in ultra-sensitivity and heightened arousal at the slightest touch. HELLO CUNNILINGUS!

Let me tell you, if you enjoyed tongue action in your love pocket before, you will lose your mind (and permanently lose your panties) when you get pregnant. Pregnancy takes the pleasure of oral sex to heavenly heights (can I get an AMEN!?)

Here’s the deal, your sex life will probably slow down a bit during the first trimester due to a number of things: morning sickness, being weirded out about being pregnant, your man worrying that he might poke the fetus with what he believes to be a penis of unprecedented length, etc. So letting Mr. Man dine at the Y is the PERFECT alternative to sex during the first trimester as it provides the opportunity for some effortless sexy time (just lay back and relax, you sexy preggo mama, you) AND it allows you to get rid of that nagging fatigue headache for a few ecstasy-filled minutes! WIN-FREAKING-WIN.

And to think that my first trimester ailments almost prevented me from discovering the glory of box eating during pregnancy! Just imagine feeling as bloated and gassy as a constipated pig, and having your partner make countless offers to go downtown? Lord knows every woman alive fears letting one egg-smelling one rip while she’s getting lip service! Having to politely decline his offers was torture I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

But fellow women of the first trimester, I beseech you to set aside these fears! Set aside the fact that you feel like reheated shit. Ignore the fact that all you want to do is hug your tummy and sleep for about 100 years. And the very second your gas starts to subside, LET HIM TASTE THE RAINBOW.

If there’s nobody on stand-by to eat the peach or if your partner is a poor cunnilinguist, you will find that the pleasure of Yellow Pages (letting your fingers do the walking) is also heightened during this time. Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself. And thank me later.

If things are this heated now, I can’t imagine what I’ll be like when the famous second trimester horniness kicks in. I guess pregnancy is not ALL bad, aye? *bow chika wow wooooow*

8 Comments on Kiss It Better

  1. Caroline Muthoni
    July 21, 2016 at 12:11 pm (1 year ago)

    😂😂😂 I will say it again. Pregnancy is great for you. What a read!

    Reply
  2. Bee
    July 21, 2016 at 2:17 pm (1 year ago)

    I laughed very loudly at “feeling like reheated shit”…aah I love how you say it like it is!

    Reply
  3. Mwaura Mswati
    July 22, 2016 at 12:43 pm (1 year ago)

    He he Shiko. This…your man worrying that he might poke the fetus with what he believes to be a penis of unprecedented length. ha ha

    Reply
  4. DanitaDarling
    July 24, 2016 at 5:05 pm (1 year ago)

    The pleasure of Yellow Pages just might be my favorite new phrase! Consider this your AMEN because you being pregnant again is the gift that keeps on giving, have learnt something new and now looking forward to my second 1st trimester, whenever that might be.

    Reply
  5. Makena
    July 29, 2016 at 9:25 am (1 year ago)

    Ha ha ha. This is refreshingly candid. Happy to see you add more dimension to your posts.Always a pleasure to read!

    Reply
  6. Gakii
    August 3, 2016 at 10:25 pm (1 year ago)

    😂😂😂

    Reply
  7. Fazul Pamba
    September 12, 2016 at 10:40 am (1 year ago)

    WOW. I dont know what to say. WOW. Beautiful read.

    Reply

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