As I mentioned before, we had yet another seminar to attend this past Saturday. This time, the topic was breastfeeding. Thank goodness it was 3 hours long and not 8 hours like the last seminar…I think hearing the words breast and nipple repeated over and over again for 3 hours is quite enough.
Here is my list of key points gleaned from the seminar:
1. My boobs will get larger.
This alarming news caused me to blackout for a few minutes. I have already told you guys about my current state. And now they are saying that this problem is about to get (for lack of a better word) bigger? At this rate, I might as well call Playboy or more suitably, the Guinness Book of World Records and earn some cash on the side.
2. My vocabulary is about to change dramatically.
Here are a couple of terms I learned on Saturday: Breast Sandwich – Noun. Two (or more) fingers with a bit of breast between them. Hand expressing – Verb. You know how they get milk from a cow? Now imagine that the cow was a woman. And she was milking herself.
3. My boobs have a higher calling
They are NOT pointless features of my anatomy intended for amusement or adornment (or astonishment as key point #1 warns). No. The time has come for them to fulfill their destiny (cue the Rocky music…). In a few short months, they will assume their rightful place as the most spectacular sources of nourishment that the world has ever seen. They will be bastions of nutrition, purveyors of good health and embodiments of maternal perfection. *takes a bow* Thank you, thank you.
PS -> This seminar was called Beautiful Beginnings. Once again, they went for a fluffy sounding seminar title instead of giving us something more factual e.g. From Now On, Your Boobs Belong to Baby. Get Used to It.
PPS -> Wow. I just realized that I use the word boobs about a hundred times in this post. Some lonely guy in a dark room will be very disappointed with this particular Google search result when he types in boob. Sorry perv, try being more specific next time.
PPPS -> Seriously though, I pledge not to talk about boobs again for at least 2 weeks. Let’s call it a Boob Ban.