Pregnancy is a shit show, both literally and metaphorically. You may have thought that you’d be as poised and graceful as a swan throughout your 9 months but you were sadly mistaken.
Yes, being able to carry a child in your womb is an incredible blessing, but let us not fool each other, please. Gestation WILL turn your body into a crime scene.
The chief architect of the mess you will find yourself in as a pregnant woman will be your hormones. Yup, those same magical molecules that brought you acne, weight gain and the ability to sulk for 37 hours nonstop when you were a teenager will make a triumphant return to wreak havoc on your body one more time during pregnancy.
Nobody really talks about all the gross stuff that happens to your body when you get pregnant but that’s what I’m here for my people! If you hadn’t already noticed, raw honesty is kind of my thing (see exhibit A.). So without further ado, here is a list of 5 gross things that will happen to your pregnant body:
Your vagina will gush its juices with the fury of the Victoria Falls. Every evening you will look at your panty and wonder what excited you so damn much that day. The answer is NOTHING (the man in your life can stop patting his back). It’s just your pregnant body, producing more estrogen and resulting in a dramatic increase in your vaginal discharge. You may have thought that because you were pregnant, you were done with panty liners for the next 9 months. Alas. You will need to invest in a few packs of feminine padding to stem the waterfall of lady juice that’s coming your way.
2. More & More Mucus
That same estrogen that makes you leak from down below will make you leak from up above as well. This time, the juices will be coming from your nose. Estrogen stimulates all of your mucous membranes, so you can expect mucousy substances to ooze from just about every orifice during your 9 months (fun times!). Sometimes Mother Nature even decides to have some fun and throw in a nosebleed or two with the mucus! Because what’s a crime scene without some blood, right? So go ahead and keep a box of Kleenex in your office, and bedroom, and living room. Better yet, make use of those tampons that you thought you wouldn’t get to use for the next year:
3. Oh, Shit!
I warned you that this was a shit show, right? Well, during pregnancy, your shit will literally take a hit. You see, progesterone is another hormone that jumps on the pregnancy bandwagon (because why have just one hormone in overdrive when you can have two?!) Progesterone relaxes the muscles in your digestive tract causing your food to pass through your intestines more slowly. Some of the delightful consequences of this are constipation, irregular bowel movements and sluggish digestion. Water and fiber will become your best friends, unless you want to start practicing for labor a little early… on your toilet seat.
LOL. This just keeps getting better and better doesn’t it? Remember how progesterone slows down your digestion? In addition to slowing down your poop, it also causes a buildup of gas in your intestines. This means bloating, burping and a whole lot of farting for you. (Fun times I tell you!) Painful gas was my nemesis during the first trimester. WebMD had the audacity to suggest cutting soda out of my diet. Unfortunately, soda was the only thing keeping me awake past 1pm and the singular reason I didn’t stab a workmate during the throes of morning sickness. I’ll take gas over prison time any day, thanks.
Frequent peeing will be the least of your worries when you’re pregnant. A lesser known gross fact about pregnancy is that it makes women prone to urinary tract infections. As it turns out, progesterone slows down the movement of urine through your system too! (This overachieving hormone just won’t quit will it?) Slow moving urine gives bacteria ample time to multiply and travel up to your kidney which can cause UTIs. As usual, pregnant women are advised to drink water, eat healthy and exercise to avoid this pregnancy symptom. Seriously, if one more doctor gives water, vegetables and exercise as a cure for yet another pregnancy related issue…
So there you have it, 5 gross things that happen when you’re pregnant! It’s not the end of the world though, pregnancy only lasts for 40 weeks…that’s 280 days…6,720 hours…Father help me. Once this stage is done, I’ll be back with a list of 5 gross things that happen when you’re giving birth. FUN. TIMES.